“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Got him!
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.