“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
