Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.