Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box