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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Phones down.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Welcome
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.