Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?