Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.