Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.