selena gomez
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doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret