Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.