Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
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mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The United Steaks of America
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH