Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Only a mother’s love …

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

Why I divorced her.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath