Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!