self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Good morning
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke