Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

i spent way too long on this

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah