self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.