“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
when dads have a rap battle
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it