self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
You Might Also Like
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?