self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit