Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Hell yeah 👍
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
translated into Canadian
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.