Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

I think this cat is broken

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”