Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*