Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
i wish i could marry a nap
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
