Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*jingles half the way*
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
