Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today