[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*