[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My what?