Self-cleaning conscience
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
forgive me baja for i have blast
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense