Self-cleaning conscience
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
August 8
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..