Self-cleaning conscience
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I was just discussing this with my cat
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here