Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Body by Oreos
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light