Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together