Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

are they though??

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.