Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
new career option?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Somebody call the cops.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.