Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”