self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine