“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
it is time once again
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.