“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
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These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.