Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Not recommended for beginners.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
So creative 😂
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
