Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
