Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.