Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?