self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.