Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
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Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
never ask a starfish for directions