Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
You Might Also Like
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.