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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
my one true gender
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach