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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.