Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

S M O L

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat