[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
You Might Also Like
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.