MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*takes a picture of food for Instagram*
Food: delete it
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.