Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
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Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*