Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Home #decor warning.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Bear knowledge

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

every olympics i turn into this guy