Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.