Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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Mummies are just super modest zombies
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.