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My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
🤭😂
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
New mindset, who dis?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her