Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER