Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Ladies, why y’all do this?

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are