Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either