selfie game
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.