Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
You Might Also Like
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
I don’t get marriage
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Sooo many times…..
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
