Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

his wife is probably gonna see that

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.