Sell your car
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
he’ll never suspect a thing
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.