Sell your car
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I’M CRYINGGG
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face