Sell your car
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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.