Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh the world we live in…

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Cinema or bowling

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.