Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.