*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
You Might Also Like
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My therapist after every session
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker