*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.