*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9