Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.