Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.